....that I could possibly love another baby as much as I love my two and a half year old niece. I know I will love my own at least as much, its just hard to fathom.
Ring ring ring...
me: hello?
a whole bunch of muffles
Niece: Hi Auntie. Come see me.
me: I sweetie. I miss you. Can't wait to see you this weekend!!
Niece: Take me to beeeeach. I want to swim.
me: okay. We can go swimming while I'm there.
Niece: I love you Auntie. Eebes is on the wall?
me: who?
Niece: EEBES.
me: who? who is Eebes?
Niece: NO not Eebes, EEEEBES.
me: do you mean leaves? (my mom has leaf wallpaper)
Niece: I miss you so much Auntie. You see EEBES?
Click.
Every time I talk to her my hear just turns into one big pile of mush. I cannot wait to see her this weekend.....
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Update
I copied and pasted this format from Suzanne at Conception Deception.
How far along? 16 weeks 2 days
Total weight gain/loss: Between 2-3 lbs
Maternity clothes? Pants and shorts - yes, shirts - I wear them but don't really need them.
Sleep: Pretty good. Getting up every two to three hours to pee.
Best moment this week: Starting to show a little more
Movement: I think none. Sometimes I think maybe, but conclude its just gas.
Food cravings: I squeeze lemon juice on almost everything.
Gender: Told 70% chance its a girl.
Labor Signs: None.
Belly Button in or out? In. But looking kind of different.
What I miss: Sipping wine while I make dinner while watching the news and unwinding from my day.
What I am looking forward to: Touching my baby's skin, seeing my hubby's face the first time he sees his baby. Being off work. Having a baby shower.
Weekly Wisdom: Try not to stress about work. Being emotionally centered and content is healthier.
Milestones: 4 months down, 6 to go.
How far along? 16 weeks 2 days
Total weight gain/loss: Between 2-3 lbs
Maternity clothes? Pants and shorts - yes, shirts - I wear them but don't really need them.
Sleep: Pretty good. Getting up every two to three hours to pee.
Best moment this week: Starting to show a little more
Movement: I think none. Sometimes I think maybe, but conclude its just gas.
Food cravings: I squeeze lemon juice on almost everything.
Gender: Told 70% chance its a girl.
Labor Signs: None.
Belly Button in or out? In. But looking kind of different.
What I miss: Sipping wine while I make dinner while watching the news and unwinding from my day.
What I am looking forward to: Touching my baby's skin, seeing my hubby's face the first time he sees his baby. Being off work. Having a baby shower.
Weekly Wisdom: Try not to stress about work. Being emotionally centered and content is healthier.
Milestones: 4 months down, 6 to go.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Venturing out.....
Since we moved to the 'burbs in January, I don't know a soul in a fifty mile radius. I found on www.meetup.com a moms and prospective moms group. I went to one event last month which was a fashion presentation, so it didn't give me a chance to mingle really. Although everyone seemed nice and looked like people I could hang with...no obvious ax murderers or child molesters in the group. Anyway, I officially joined the group and I got an email from someone saying an impromptu group was having moms night out tomorrow night for dinner/drinks and to see The Proposal.(Sandra Bullock flick) Sounds fun, right? Showing up at a restaurant not knowing anyone is just so awkward. But sitting at home by myself all day and all evening is worse. Gotta put on the big girl panties. On the other hand, being "one of the mom's" feels really good. I'm grateful someone sent me an email and invited me somewhere. Its a reminder to me that once in awhile reaching out to someone who is lonely or down, can make a world of difference in their day, or week. A little kindness goes a long way.
I bought the hubby and onesie for Father's Day that says "Daddy's little Angel". I know its not super original. I have the onesie on my desk and I keep on touching it.....I can't believe a little 5-10 pound little human being is going to be in there in about 5 months. I can't stop touching it and looking at it...what an awesome and amazing privilege to be a mom. I can't believe this is real. 16 weeks later and I'm still in shock.
I bought the hubby and onesie for Father's Day that says "Daddy's little Angel". I know its not super original. I have the onesie on my desk and I keep on touching it.....I can't believe a little 5-10 pound little human being is going to be in there in about 5 months. I can't stop touching it and looking at it...what an awesome and amazing privilege to be a mom. I can't believe this is real. 16 weeks later and I'm still in shock.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Moms....You gotta love 'em
A week ago.
Mom: You really need to be careful to not gain too much weight during your pregnancy. Its much harder to get it off afterwards.
Me: Yeah. I've heard that.
Mom: You should only try to gain about 20 pounds.
Me: Oh. My doctor said about 25-35 was the average. 10 in the first 20 weeks, and 20 in the second 20 weeks.
Mom: I only gained twenty pounds. So how much have you put on?
Me: About 2 pounds at 14 weeks, so I think I'm good. If I'm going by what my doctor says I should gain about 8 more over next 6 weeks. If anything, I left myself a little wiggle room.
Mom: Yeah, well just don't gain too much.
Flash forward a week later.
Mom: So your 15 week ultra sound is on Thursday?
Me: Yes! I'm very excited to see baby again and get the okay that she is growing on schedule and everything.
Mom: Are you going to talk to your doctor about your weight?
Me: Um.....well, I don't know, maybe if they bring it up that somehow its a problem.
Mom: Well, you said you were worried you weren't gaining enough.
Pregnant Cindy = very short fuse
Me: NOBODY IS WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT. GOT IT? GOT IT? WHY ARE YOU FOCUSING ON THIS? I'VE NEVER BEEN OVERWEIGHT IN MY LIFE. LEAVE.IT.ALONE. I AM HANGING UP NOW. YOU ARE SO ANNOYING.
Mom: Fine. You're a grump.
Me: Good. Bye.
Moms, can't live with them...you know the rest.
Mom: You really need to be careful to not gain too much weight during your pregnancy. Its much harder to get it off afterwards.
Me: Yeah. I've heard that.
Mom: You should only try to gain about 20 pounds.
Me: Oh. My doctor said about 25-35 was the average. 10 in the first 20 weeks, and 20 in the second 20 weeks.
Mom: I only gained twenty pounds. So how much have you put on?
Me: About 2 pounds at 14 weeks, so I think I'm good. If I'm going by what my doctor says I should gain about 8 more over next 6 weeks. If anything, I left myself a little wiggle room.
Mom: Yeah, well just don't gain too much.
Flash forward a week later.
Mom: So your 15 week ultra sound is on Thursday?
Me: Yes! I'm very excited to see baby again and get the okay that she is growing on schedule and everything.
Mom: Are you going to talk to your doctor about your weight?
Me: Um.....well, I don't know, maybe if they bring it up that somehow its a problem.
Mom: Well, you said you were worried you weren't gaining enough.
Pregnant Cindy = very short fuse
Me: NOBODY IS WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT. GOT IT? GOT IT? WHY ARE YOU FOCUSING ON THIS? I'VE NEVER BEEN OVERWEIGHT IN MY LIFE. LEAVE.IT.ALONE. I AM HANGING UP NOW. YOU ARE SO ANNOYING.
Mom: Fine. You're a grump.
Me: Good. Bye.
Moms, can't live with them...you know the rest.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Part 2
So there it was - two dark lines. For about five minutes, I just sat there silently in shock. My brain didn't form words. I actually don't think I felt anything either. I simply couldn't grasp it at all. I started to breathe again and called hubby. He couldn't understand a word I was saying. It was somewhere between laughing, crying, sobbing...something. I went down to Rite Aid and I got a digi. The hubby waited on the phone with me, and then "pregnant" popped up.
We were ecstatic, but I really thought it was some weird joke. We didn't tell anyone at first. I called Dr. Bad Ass and went in for a blood test. My HCG came back at 600 something. Then two days later 1400 something. Then we went in the following week at 6 weeks and saw the heart beating. I was released to OB, and had first trimester screening two weeks ago. The neck skin test came back normal along with the blood work. So I'll be 14 weeks tomorrow.
Starting at 11 weeks I felt great. I sort of hesitate to write about week five through eleven, because it sounds so weird. I didn't get morning sickness, but I was a complete grump and was horribly depressed. I could not tell you what the depression was about, as it had nothing to do with the events that were happening in my life. I am grateful, happy and thrilled beyond belief to be pg. Why the depression? I dunno at all. I couldn't even explain what I was depressed about. If Ed McMann showed up at my door step with a ten million dollar check and a camera crew, I'd probably have grabbed the check out of his hand and sniped at him, "couldn't you have just mailed it?"
Seriously, it was like a crazy person took over my body. I have been depressed for periods in my life, but it was always related to a break up or something like that. Its like there was no correlation at all to the happiness button in my brain and my reality.
I tried googling it and came across a whole bunch of post partum depression, but nothing for depression during pregnancy. And the pregnancy depression would be mostly related to women who didn't want the baby. I was thrilled to be pregnant - something was just off. It was so intense and strange. Luckily hubby ran interference for me with the rest of the world, and just kept telling me, "that I was normal" and that "my hormones were high jacked". I guessed thats one way to put it. I just couldn't write about it here without feeling like an ungrateful a-hole.
But as quickly as it came, it left. Around 11.5 weeks, I just woke up one day cured. I guess I'll never know. I'm just glad its gone, and I'm not just intellectually happy, I get to actually feel all the happiness, too. Its wonderful.......I am so so grateful.
We were ecstatic, but I really thought it was some weird joke. We didn't tell anyone at first. I called Dr. Bad Ass and went in for a blood test. My HCG came back at 600 something. Then two days later 1400 something. Then we went in the following week at 6 weeks and saw the heart beating. I was released to OB, and had first trimester screening two weeks ago. The neck skin test came back normal along with the blood work. So I'll be 14 weeks tomorrow.
Starting at 11 weeks I felt great. I sort of hesitate to write about week five through eleven, because it sounds so weird. I didn't get morning sickness, but I was a complete grump and was horribly depressed. I could not tell you what the depression was about, as it had nothing to do with the events that were happening in my life. I am grateful, happy and thrilled beyond belief to be pg. Why the depression? I dunno at all. I couldn't even explain what I was depressed about. If Ed McMann showed up at my door step with a ten million dollar check and a camera crew, I'd probably have grabbed the check out of his hand and sniped at him, "couldn't you have just mailed it?"
Seriously, it was like a crazy person took over my body. I have been depressed for periods in my life, but it was always related to a break up or something like that. Its like there was no correlation at all to the happiness button in my brain and my reality.
I tried googling it and came across a whole bunch of post partum depression, but nothing for depression during pregnancy. And the pregnancy depression would be mostly related to women who didn't want the baby. I was thrilled to be pregnant - something was just off. It was so intense and strange. Luckily hubby ran interference for me with the rest of the world, and just kept telling me, "that I was normal" and that "my hormones were high jacked". I guessed thats one way to put it. I just couldn't write about it here without feeling like an ungrateful a-hole.
But as quickly as it came, it left. Around 11.5 weeks, I just woke up one day cured. I guess I'll never know. I'm just glad its gone, and I'm not just intellectually happy, I get to actually feel all the happiness, too. Its wonderful.......I am so so grateful.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Ahhh Haa Moment......
Well, I feel like before i can post day to day stuff happenings, I need to catch up on the past few months. Here's what happened the the month I conceived.
March 3 - Aunt Flow arrived. We decided to "try" this month. I took a big black marker to the big calendar in my home office and circled days cycle days 14 - 17. I showed it to hubby and told him these are our target dates for doing the deed.
March 18 - Or cycle day 15, did the deed in the morning. Two seconds later my office called. I telecommute. It was an attorney who brings my firm a lot of business and is someone I need to make happy. He is a complete d-i-c-k. He yelled at me, was condescending, and pointed out an error I made. I tried to maintain my composure. After he slammed the phone down, I cried. It was a CRAPPY day. The hubby could hear him yelling at me through the phone, and even the hubby was upset by how he was talking to me. It was a Wednesday. It was the only time we had "relations" during my black magic marker dates.
March 21 - Had first dinner party in the new place with another couple. Hubby got some really high end Vodka as a Christmas gift from a business associate. (ironically, he doesn't drink). Anyway, I took out my martini set and beautiful martini glasses I got for my wedding, and at the last minute I decided to make martini's before dinner for myself and guests. I underestimated how these would affect me and my dinner guest. The food took longer than normal and after having two very large martinis I could barely stand up. My guest was practically face down on the couch. We got through dinner somehow. The hubby was PISSED at me, because I was drunk enough that I forgot about dinner and he did all the work. Plus, I was hungover on Sunday when he wanted to do something fun.
March 28 - Found a hike in my hiking book for the hubby and I. Three miles. No problem, right? I misread the map. We didn't get back until after dark and the hike was over ten miles. The last 4 miles I could barely walk. I could barely get out of the car to walk in the house. The next morning, did not get out of bed all day. Still sore for next three days.
Did I mention I stopped taking my prenatal vitamin?
April 1 - Aunt Flo due. Bad cramps. Bad PMS. Cursed the April Fools Day bitch.
April 3 - No sign of Aunt Flo. Realized I hadn't had a normal length cycle since my IVF last November. Just a bad reminder of last years two back to back IVF failures. Bad cramps and bad PMS. Just get here already.
April 4 - Friday. Had big weekend plans. Hope started creeping in though. Better to nip that hope in bud before the weekend, don't want to start going down the hoping route again, just to get stomped on. I snuck out of my home office when the cat wasn't looking (he's the home office boss) and went to the dollar tree store at about 2pm. Took the spare change out of the cup holder in my car and plunked down $1.07 for a test. Went home, caught up on my email and messages in case I missed anything. Went into the bathroom with my pee cup. Put the pee with the little dropper in the little spot on the test. Watched the liquid move past where the test line should be. Pure white. It then moved past where the control line was which turned dark immediately. (I pathetically hope for a faulty test when its negative). Exasperated sigh as I held the test in my hand and sat on my toilet. I wasn't devastated. I mean its not like we had 15 grand riding on this, it was a freebie. Just annoyed at myself that I took time out of my day to bother with this. What a fool I am. It was approximately 15 seconds later I looked at the test again before tossing it, and there it was.....TWO DARK LINES......
To be continued.
March 3 - Aunt Flow arrived. We decided to "try" this month. I took a big black marker to the big calendar in my home office and circled days cycle days 14 - 17. I showed it to hubby and told him these are our target dates for doing the deed.
March 18 - Or cycle day 15, did the deed in the morning. Two seconds later my office called. I telecommute. It was an attorney who brings my firm a lot of business and is someone I need to make happy. He is a complete d-i-c-k. He yelled at me, was condescending, and pointed out an error I made. I tried to maintain my composure. After he slammed the phone down, I cried. It was a CRAPPY day. The hubby could hear him yelling at me through the phone, and even the hubby was upset by how he was talking to me. It was a Wednesday. It was the only time we had "relations" during my black magic marker dates.
March 21 - Had first dinner party in the new place with another couple. Hubby got some really high end Vodka as a Christmas gift from a business associate. (ironically, he doesn't drink). Anyway, I took out my martini set and beautiful martini glasses I got for my wedding, and at the last minute I decided to make martini's before dinner for myself and guests. I underestimated how these would affect me and my dinner guest. The food took longer than normal and after having two very large martinis I could barely stand up. My guest was practically face down on the couch. We got through dinner somehow. The hubby was PISSED at me, because I was drunk enough that I forgot about dinner and he did all the work. Plus, I was hungover on Sunday when he wanted to do something fun.
March 28 - Found a hike in my hiking book for the hubby and I. Three miles. No problem, right? I misread the map. We didn't get back until after dark and the hike was over ten miles. The last 4 miles I could barely walk. I could barely get out of the car to walk in the house. The next morning, did not get out of bed all day. Still sore for next three days.
Did I mention I stopped taking my prenatal vitamin?
April 1 - Aunt Flo due. Bad cramps. Bad PMS. Cursed the April Fools Day bitch.
April 3 - No sign of Aunt Flo. Realized I hadn't had a normal length cycle since my IVF last November. Just a bad reminder of last years two back to back IVF failures. Bad cramps and bad PMS. Just get here already.
April 4 - Friday. Had big weekend plans. Hope started creeping in though. Better to nip that hope in bud before the weekend, don't want to start going down the hoping route again, just to get stomped on. I snuck out of my home office when the cat wasn't looking (he's the home office boss) and went to the dollar tree store at about 2pm. Took the spare change out of the cup holder in my car and plunked down $1.07 for a test. Went home, caught up on my email and messages in case I missed anything. Went into the bathroom with my pee cup. Put the pee with the little dropper in the little spot on the test. Watched the liquid move past where the test line should be. Pure white. It then moved past where the control line was which turned dark immediately. (I pathetically hope for a faulty test when its negative). Exasperated sigh as I held the test in my hand and sat on my toilet. I wasn't devastated. I mean its not like we had 15 grand riding on this, it was a freebie. Just annoyed at myself that I took time out of my day to bother with this. What a fool I am. It was approximately 15 seconds later I looked at the test again before tossing it, and there it was.....TWO DARK LINES......
To be continued.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Where do I start???
First of all, I have some explaining to do. I did not put up password protection to keep anyone out, I just wasn't updating the blog and didn't want to delete it. I guess I was just trying to freeze it until I could gather my thoughts concisely enough to put them in writing. Sorry! Please please come back to me, my favorite internet friends.
Next, some of you already know who are on ff.com, but I guess its time to come out of the closet. I'm 12.5 weeks pregnant. I'm due December 8th. After two failed in vitro cycles and getting ready for round three, somehow someway I conceived on my own. Talk about shock. I read about it happening to other people, but I never thought it would happen to me.
The hubby and I are grateful beyond belief.
I guess another reason I haven't kept up with the blog is because I know a lot of ladies who read this are struggling with IF, and I just feel guilty that its me and not them, when they deserve this every bit as much as I do.
On the other hand, so many people have supported me for a very long time now and it seems cruel to keep the news from the people who have rooted, prayed, and supported me. Plus, I just need a place to let it all out and for some reason when I write it all down it makes more sense than just all the random crap floating around in my brain, so I'm back. Plus, I'm off the booze and I need to find alternative ways of relaxing. One last thing, I got a special request via facebook email from shaken mama from a lady with the initials SLC (I won't spell it out to protect her privacy) and she asked to get invited to my blog. That is beyond awesome when people check in on me.
I will write more very soon. Its 7:40 PM on Saturday night, and I am having another narcoleptic episode and probably will be asleep even before I make it to the bed to sleep for 15 straight hours minus hourly wake ups to release approximately 2 tablespoons of urine and wonder why the heck I had to get out of bed for THAT. No morning sickness though, but I have some other funky stuff going on....a full report within the next few days....and no more password protection...ugh!
Next, some of you already know who are on ff.com, but I guess its time to come out of the closet. I'm 12.5 weeks pregnant. I'm due December 8th. After two failed in vitro cycles and getting ready for round three, somehow someway I conceived on my own. Talk about shock. I read about it happening to other people, but I never thought it would happen to me.
The hubby and I are grateful beyond belief.
I guess another reason I haven't kept up with the blog is because I know a lot of ladies who read this are struggling with IF, and I just feel guilty that its me and not them, when they deserve this every bit as much as I do.
On the other hand, so many people have supported me for a very long time now and it seems cruel to keep the news from the people who have rooted, prayed, and supported me. Plus, I just need a place to let it all out and for some reason when I write it all down it makes more sense than just all the random crap floating around in my brain, so I'm back. Plus, I'm off the booze and I need to find alternative ways of relaxing. One last thing, I got a special request via facebook email from shaken mama from a lady with the initials SLC (I won't spell it out to protect her privacy) and she asked to get invited to my blog. That is beyond awesome when people check in on me.
I will write more very soon. Its 7:40 PM on Saturday night, and I am having another narcoleptic episode and probably will be asleep even before I make it to the bed to sleep for 15 straight hours minus hourly wake ups to release approximately 2 tablespoons of urine and wonder why the heck I had to get out of bed for THAT. No morning sickness though, but I have some other funky stuff going on....a full report within the next few days....and no more password protection...ugh!
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